Like a Beacon Through Time
My broken heart occurred long ago, and for a long time it was beyond my ability to remember, what had happened to me.
It was beyond my ability, to remember why I felt this way.
Yes there were incidents, in this lifetime, that brought me into contact with the memory; that assisted me in touching the feelings.
But the source of my wandering, the initiation of this journey, the beginning of why I began my search for love, eluded me.
Like a beacon through time the pulse of my heart felt broken, and that connection was a feeling I could not recover, no matter how I tried.
Living in Past Times
As a child, I told myself stories. Long after I got to be an adult, I realized that these stories were a history of my lifetimes; of my lifetimes in incarnation. They were a map of what had happened as I lived life out over a very long time; eons, thousands of years.
I have drawn maps of the history that I remember, maps of my travels. My lifetimes began not on Earth but among the stars, and crossed the galaxy until I landed, here.
I had companions on this journey, and I met them, here. At first, I went outside myself to find love. My love companion journeyed with me for many, many incarnations, always in the same type of relationship dynamic, and you think that would have gotten boring. But, I convinced myself in every lifetime that this was the love I had wanted, I had been searching for.
In some lifetimes I could barely remember that I had come from love, at all.
Evolution of the Twin Flame Dynamic
I called this love my twin flame. He felt like this to me, because I had convinced myself that everything I needed, was represented by him. What I know now is that we were simply two Souls incarnated, serving each other through an unhealthy relationship.
I finally woke up about the nature of my relationships when I allowed myself to know I was a valuable human being, deserving of receiving love. This is when I met what I then called my twin flame.
And I found, that my true twin flame, was me.
When I chose to connect with my higher self, and believe that I was worthy of deserving love, ‘he’ came to me, like a golden angel hovering beside me. The unconditional love I felt for myself, emanating forth, was unlike anything I had felt before.
What I came to see, is he was me. How is this possible?
Our Souls incarnate into this realm from a state of wholeness, and in the simplest terms, how this is worked, is that Souls leave half of themselves behind to do so. That half is the other side of the duality that we incarnate, into. So, if we are male, our twin flame has our female energy. If we are a being of light, our twin flame has our shadow self. And so on.
We were one and the same energy, emanating from Soul, divided into two, and then made incarnate; higher self or guardian angel, and human self, together, one whole creation of Soul.
Where is My Home?
In this lifetime, key events conspired to ignite my passion for stories about the stars and who might live among them.
I had always felt, even in childhood, that I was a visitor here, and that somewhere else was my home. I remember as a child, a vision of a old, old man, and I, sitting above the atmosphere of the Earth. I remember him pointing to areas of the planet, telling me about the Earth and it’s people, about the activity here, and making observations, teaching me.
Then, the crushing realization when I came to a certain age, that the place that I had remembered the most fondly, had been destroyed, long ago. I had always thought I would return there after this lifetime, and the loss of this home put me adrift.
Where Did I Truly Belong?
As I grew more into my spirituality, I realized that ultimately my home was with my Soul, and that I could ask my higher self and Soul for breaks, to return to the feeling of home, during this lifetime. And there were times when I asked to do so, when life was challenging.
The feeling of the stars had this feel for me – of Soul, of home. And thus, I concentrated my activities into spending time on, and sharing stories of, the stars, as my hobby.
In my memories, I traced my personal stories back to my earliest incarnation in the galaxies. And all I could see about where I had come from, was that I came from Light – my people were beings of light. I knew that my ‘mother’ and ‘father’ came from there.
I had no idea about where that place was or how to get there.
Breaking My Heart: Remembering the Blue Girl
This fall, I remembered the lifetime that started it all; that started all my journeys across time that I had remembered since I was a child. I call this lifetime, the blue girl.
She was ripped from her people and her life partner, from a higher dimensional plane and existence, and was kidnapped, assaulted, raped, tortured, drugged and subjected to mind control experiments and physical imprinting. This lifetime was eons ago, and yet it was real, up front, up close and personal. My body ached where she ached. I hurt where she hurt. I felt her confusion. I felt her despair.
I celebrated her victory over her captors, when she found a way to take herself out of the situation by dying and leaving her body.
Many friends and acquaintances showed up in my life as I processed the memories of the blue girl. The support system that came forth is something I am deeply grateful for.
It is as if everything in this lifetime, was set up to help me remember, and then recover, the blue girl’s life experience. I know the people involved, now, in this lifetime. Life is full of surprises, and coincidences. Sometimes I feel that everything has been set up just for me to have the exquisite experience of living this lifetime in all of it’s divine perfection.
And for us all, I believe that this is true.
I believe that the universe responds to our deepest needs and our deepest desires, even when we cannot voice them; even when we do not know that that is what they are.
Holding On to the Pain – the Experience of Stockholm Syndrome
Recently, I went through an exercise to give back all that I had taken on from this lifetime, back to those who had captured the blue girl, and who had inflicted her pain and trauma. She had been in a kind of Stockholm Syndrome, and held all of the energies of the trauma as if she was responsible, herself, for what had happened to her, and as if she had to protect those who had caused the trauma.
This trauma had created great shame, a shame that has followed me my entire lifetime, since the blue girl has incarnated as me, now. At times, this shame has been incapacitating, paralyzing, slowing my decisions, causing me to harshly judge myself, also.
It was so freeing, to finally let go of what was not mine. I stood with the blue girl, in the space of a vision, in a circle of light, and poured out all I had taken on, until she was done, and until I was done.
Recovering Our Love
When it was all done, I watched as she and her partner, her love, stood in front of me in a vision and said goodbye. I have worked with her partner as my spirit guide since 2011, not knowing at that time, that we were beginning a years long project of recovering his love – an incarnation of me – the blue girl.
The sweetness of the moment was tangible, and poignant for me. I knew that I was beginning a new stage of my life.
The stage of my life where I am finally, free.
I am free of the past. I am free of the cause of my sorrows. My blue girl reunited with her love, and returned home, to the higher dimensions.
And I am free, here on Earth, with my golden angel guide – my higher self and I, one unit of the divinity of our Soul, having a human experience.
Letting Go of the Pain of Heartbreak
Last night, I lay down on the couch watching a movie, and I was overwhelmed with the pain over my heart. Now I had just seen the doctor, and I knew that this was not a physical condition.
As I lay there, I could feel my big brother Archangel Michael sit with me in his brotherly blue, and he said to me, “you are healing from a broken heart”.
It has actually been days now, but last night was the most intense of them. And as I watched the movie, I cried and let my body feel the feelings.
The body has it’s own timing, the body has it’s own perception. And my body needed to be felt and my heart needed to be poured out, listened to, and reassured. I needed to treat myself with love.
In the morning, I woke with a new sense of purpose, of mission. I awoke and knew what was on the docket for the day, what was on the agenda.
The pain in my heart is faded, and while it may take a little more time to move through it fully, the feeling that something new is beginning for me is flowing strongly through me.
Feeling at Home – Here on Earth, Being Human
I finally feel at home.
My human body is my home, here on Earth, now. I live here connected with my Soul in my divine and human sovereignty, experiencing love generated from within. I feel the loving presence of the rest of me – my higher self and golden angel.
Life is a new and a grand adventure.
I have recovered my love, and my love is me. My love comes with a feeling of freedom, and of joy. And of the wonder of feeling that I am beginning, again.
I am beginning a new life for me. Step, by step. Moment, by moment.
And, I am filled with the feeling that I am making a fresh start, from the wholeness within, that is my love.
Love, Solaris
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