When I was about five years old, I began conscious dreaming. I’m not sure how I had come to the conclusion that this world was quite broken, but I had done that. And so I constructed, or I remembered, living elsewhere, the perfection of a place and time where I was safe and on a world where people got along and were happy.
The basic things about this world, the premise that it was built on, was that if we could feel each other’s feelings, and knew each other’s thoughts, then we wouldn’t hurt each other. That we could and should listen to each other when decision making, taking all feelings and points into consideration.
And so this world began, slowly, and it grew, substantially. And this style of a sort of self-governance grew and evolved with the population. There was eventually a council, and elders, and a monarch, who was a part of the council, but who was an equal member with everyone else.
I was very wrapped up in my own story.
I loved living in this place in my dreams, and I loved getting along with everyone, and I loved what we created, and I loved taking care of the people, and I loved who I was, and creating for the fun of it, and I loved the stories of all of the ‘characters’ there, and the dramas. Thus, this world felt like Love to me. I enjoyed it.
And this Love felt perfect.
Eventually this world was destroyed, and I felt that I could never love again, unless I had it back. I had to return to this seeming ‘perfection’.
Thus I adopted an approach of wanting to control all my surroundings, to never again remember or experience this pain of loss.
But once we institute a paradigm of control, we isolate ourselves, more and more. We subject ‘trespassers’ into our space to the same pain we have experienced, to protect ourselves from seeming invasion, but it’s really to protect ourselves from accessing that very personal pain.
In my case, this was the pain of loosing ‘perfection’.
I wanted it back.
I wanted back the seeming perfection of this world that was gone. I could not bear the destruction. And so I keep trying and trying to force things to be what they once had been, to no avail.
I could not understand that I could choose to accept the destruction of this seemingly perfect world, and move on. It seemed like I had lost my heart. I had lost my love, and to have it return, I would have to go back to where I once had it. Since I could not return, I put all of my efforts into recreating it.
What I learned from this long and painful process is that it is not possible to recreate the past. It is only possible to create a new future. And it is truly only possible to fully live in the present moment.
The present moment is the one in which our dreams and our love manifests, in whatever form we desire. When we are consciously aware of this fact, we can be more fully alive, and more consciously creative, in the present. The joy that comes from this state is very satisfying. And the love that flows out of the heart feels incredible.
What I’ve come to realize, in giving up ‘perfection’, is that there is no ability to have ‘permanent’ perfection in the physical world, and that my reality will always be in constant change, in some way. This is the nature of life.
I chose to look for love inside myself, instead of in the outside world.
In practice, this meant feeling through the pain to find the love buried underneath. The thought of feeling the pain was so scary. But the truth is, that each time it is felt and released, it goes away, and I expand into a new level, and I feel a new depth, of love.
Love flows into the space where the pain was. And this sparked a new connection with my Soul.
Once the love started flowing inside my heart, my Soul connection came online. The feeling of love, when connecting with my Soul, is incredible.
There is love for myself and connection with my Soul, in the present moment, that feels joyful beyond compare, and that is my experience of accepting Life as it IS. From living and being in the present moment.
Each moment is filled with miracles and grace, no matter what is happening.
The miracles and benefits that flow to me from this way of being, are a gift beyond measure.
© 2016-2020 Susan V. Lacerra. All Rights Reserved. Permission is given to share this article on other blogs and websites as long as the text is posted in its entirety without alteration and with the author’s credit, copyright and live website links included in the article.
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