Knowing Our Worth

My Secret Dream

I awoke this morning to an interesting waking dream.  This is the kind of dream that is like a vision; the ones where we tell ourselves or teach ourselves about what is really going on in our lives.

This one was quite deep.

There are a couple of things that may have precipitated this dreaming, in hindsight… I had run into a friend recently, with whom I used to spend a lot of time.

We were friends, and saw each other often, ate dinners together, the kids played together.  And even though we live near by, it seems that we have grown apart.

In this dream, my friend secretly wished to spend a lot of time with me.  In this dream, my friend even found me quite attractive!!  This is the kind of friend you sort of secretly have a crush on.  Do you know what I mean?

I have always considered this person so much more glamorous than myself. I always held them up on a pedestal.  Now, this isn’t a romantic relationship.  This is truly a friendship.

Why are there certain friends, or relationships, that we have, where we hold the other person up so high?  Where we love everything about them?

When I have done this, in the handful of times in my life I can think of, in the moment, I have always chosen to be completely blind to the shadow aspects of the person or about our relationship.

And Then… the Catch

But first, I had to go and flush their toilet.

Yes, in the dream, this was the only requirement to hang out, again.  It was a specific part of the proposal.

I had to get up, go into the stinky toilet room, which had accumulated dump after dump after dump, days upon days, without being flushed, for some unusual reason.  I had to go in, manage through the stinky smell, push the flush handle, and get out.

Then, we could go back to our relationship – dinners, and the kids playing, and stories of what everyone is doing, now, and tales of our adventures.

Mmmmm – an attractive offer, would you say?

What would you do?  I suppose that any answer is valid here.  There may be reasons to decide to put up with the stink and the smell.  It just seems like a one time thing, doesn’t it?

But, I will tell you what I said, from within my dream.

I said “no f*#king way”.

Like A Record Scratching…

What!? This person, in my dream, was shocked.  Absolutely shocked.

And so, they repeated the offer… with some spice.  Ah, now in the dream, my friend offered to have an intimate relationship, as well.

As long as I went in and cleaned the toilet room, first off.

“But, you can have me, so… don’t you want to go and flush the stinky toilet?  It’s just a simple flush, there’s nothing to it.”

“No”, I repeated.  Firmly.

In that toilet room was all that wrong and unlooked at in their life, in all it’s stinky glory.

“No.”

Then the deal was off.  Not only would there be no hanging out.  There would be no bonus kissing.  No bonus intimacy.

And, for me – no bonus stinking toilet.

In the dream, this friend was entirely shocked that the offer of their entirely glamourous self, which looked much less glamorous in the knowledge of the state of the bathroom down the hall, was turned down.

That toilet mess is just a thing in the house, nothing to do with them.

Uh…. No.

Valuing Others for Who They Really Are

Thankfully I’m now able to recognize pretty quickly if I am moving into projecting upon another person, and then, treating them this way.

As soon as I recognize this behavior, within, I start to do the personal work around what the feelings mean about me and for me.  I understand that it really does not involve the other person, and who they really are.

In fact, I cannot get to know who they really are, until I’m willing to look at what has come up for me, and move through the thoughts and feelings in an inner process of healing.

The friend in my dream, well, I idolized this person for a long time.  And we both pretended that everything was perfect, in our lives, even when it was not.

This isn’t an authentic relationship.  It is creating a projection onto another person.

And so, even the dream, is a projection onto this person.

The dream is a message from my higher self, so that I can learn about myself and how far I’ve come and what I’m willing to say yes or no to.

And I’m so grateful to them for activating these feelings in me.  And for our friendship of all those years.

The Pain of Being a Character in Someone Else’s Story

Making someone else a character in the story of our own lives, doesn’t value the authentic person, warts and all.

When I experience this, I feel the pain of needing to be someone other than who I am, to be in the relationship.

And this mirrors the pain of our own inner separation from our authentic self.

It can be that we need someone else to be the bad guy in our story (to take the criticism, and the blame), or it can, in the same way, be that we need someone else to be the perfect good guy.  The person who has the perfect whatever it is, that we aspire to and wish for, for ourselves.

This kind of crushing on someone else, this kind of creating a story about someone else out of our own drama, because it can also be a negative association, and story about them, does not accept another person for who they are.

But, this attitude does demand that another person fit our story line of who they are, good or bad, whether the true facts fit, or not.

We put the other person in a box of our own creation, that may have nothing whatsoever to do with their own reality.

We create a story for ourselves, and then believe that someone else lives a life that we look up to, if only in our minds, and from a distance.

Or, maybe it’s a negative association, and we create a different kind of story about someone, one where we look down on them, as an example of what we are not, or maybe we even pity them.

It’s a box we have put the other person in, where we judge that person, for good or for bad, because of whatever role we have decided that they play in our personal drama…whether or not our own drama, fits who they really are, at all.

This is a kind of codependent relationship.  The codependence exists as long as the energies fueling the projection stays in place.

I have been on the other side of both types of treatment, and either way, when I have been treated this way by someone else, and been their “bad guy” or their “good guy”, I feel that the other person is not honoring who I am.

In these cases, I feel that they simply, don’t know me.  And many times this has been a person that I really like and would love to be in a deeper friendship with, or relationship with, but it’s not possible unless I agree to be the character in their story.

And I’ve reached the point, where I say, “No thank you”.  But, I set the intention, that I’d love to engage with the person in a relationship – when they can release their projection onto me, and meet me where I am.

Looking at My Projection – and Seeing Myself

In writing this article, I’ve come to see what my projection was onto my friend.  When I’m around this person, I can see and feel what it might be like for me to embody the divine feminine energies.

That is why I viewed this person as glamorous – because looking at them, I sense the divinity of goddess energy.  And, I get a whiff of Her, in me.

For the longest time, I didn’t see that I could embody this femininity, in a gorgeous and wonderful way.  I felt for so long, that this would make me too vulnerable.  Yet I love and adore the divine feminine, and I wish to confidently embody this gorgeous feminine energy in a way that is also beautiful and vulnerable.

And, by the way, this is something the divine masculine does.  He invites the feminine to step forward, and gazes at and enjoys her beauty.  He supports her creation.  And so embodying the divine feminine also means receiving the attention of the divine masculine.  Now, that is powerful.

And, that’s what I was really afraid of.

Bringing Our Ship Pile into Relationships 

Having an authentic relationship does not mean that I bring my ship pile with me, and make or insist that the other person accept this part of me, also.

There is a subtlety here, because embodying our wholeness also means accepting who we are and acknowledging both our shadow and our light.

Because if we have become a whole person, this means we carry both lovingly with us.

And if we have become fully loving of our own selves, we can be present in the center of our heart space, while loving all of who we are, equally.

And, just to be clear, shadows that are, in the actual physical or energetic worlds, abusive or harmful to life, are not what I’m talking about.  This is a whole other topic of  those who have been dark characters, that we won’t go into here.

Having Personal Integrity in Our Relationships

So there is an aspect of communication and personal integrity here.  Of communicating that we know what our shadow side is.  Of being transparent about who we are, the total package.

And this may or may not be acceptable to the other person.

Partly, it depends on whether they will take our shadow, personally.

This aspect of personal integrity, starts from within ourselves.

I’m not talking about demanding personal integrity from others.  That is simply not possible, because people are at where they are at.

Attempts to educate others as to where they are at, from our own perspective, and then demand whatever it is from them – integrity, a place in our life, love, relationship – will create the energy of our own projections directed onto the other person.

But, when we start to accept others, we can also accept where we are at.  Or, vice versa – we accept ourselves, out of self-compassion and self-love, and then we feel able to extend this acceptance, love, and compassion to others.

This is where the really good stuff is at, from a personal growth perspective.

Because, this is when we can start to truly embody, and live, from the deep knowing of our own value.

Realizing Our Own Worth

In my dream, I finally realized, within, that I am ready to stand up for my own value.

I mean, what an attractive offer (gag)… be in a relationship after just a simple toilet flush.  And – you know it’s never that easy.  The flush becomes wading through loads of backed up poo – a ship pile if there ever was one! Lol.

What surprised me, in the dream, was that I was firm in the knowing that I have worked so hard to get to where I am, in my personal life.

I have shoveled my personal ship pile, so to speak, and cleaned out my own room(s).

Yes, there were many, many personal ship piles to shovel.

And, I’m not going back there, and digging into someone else’s ship pile, who hasn’t done any work, or who doesn’t want to do any work, or who has done minimal work, themselves.

Or, who wants me to pay for all the work, somehow.

Or who needs for me to be a character in their story… a projection.

I know my own value.  I know my self.

Let Me Count the Ways

I have had multiple reminders, recently, of that which no longer serves me, and of relationships that teach me that I can finally, firmly, say, “No”.

I started to make a list, but it wasn’t as funny as I had would it might be to review these situations.

Suffice it to say, each situation has supplied me with a painful mini-lesson of what to say “No”, to, going forward.  These were all cases where it has been the gazillionth time through, and I’m done, now.

I’m drawing that line.

Because I know my value, now.  And, I’m starting to embody this, also.

I have cleaned up the gunk that was stuck to the windscreen of me, and that was in the basements, and that was in the living room, and so on.

Now, I’m still growing, still learning new things about myself.  And I have the gorgeous and wonderful people in my life to thank for giving me opportunities that show me and teach me so much about life and about how things are for me, in all sorts of ways and circumstances.

Believe in You: Becoming Personally Responsible

In the dream, I walked away from the person wanting me to shovel their ship pile.  Not any more, honey.  I’m done.

I’m done shoveling ship for others, just so they can go and make some more, or, in the end, find someone new to shovel ship for them.

I’m becoming personally responsible.

That means, taking responsibility in my relationships, also.

That means, knowing what I have to offer.

That means, knowing that I’m worth it, that spending time with me is my valuable gift of friendship.

Knowing what I deserve.

Dang, it’s good to wake up.

~ Susan V Lacerra

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